Spilling the tea

What I’m about to share with you is probably the most transparent I will ever be. If you can relate to anything I’ve said, get excited because you’re not alone. I hope that this post will really help someone who may be struggling.

Let’s begin…

I’m the oldest of 5 kids. I know I’m supposed to lead by example and be that perfect sister that my siblings can look up to. But, how can I live up to that expectation when secretly I know that my flaws disqualify me?

I have 2 smart and beautiful sisters, one is a Dr. and the other works with children as a speech therapist. My sisters are impacting the world! They’re funny, they have a great sense of style and have bodies that I envy. They know how to set a goal and work hard until they accomplish it. In my eyes they’re perfect.

My brothers are the coolest, they are so down to earth,easy to talk to and seem to be the life of the party. They’re  handsome, witty, intelligent and always have things under control. In my eyes they’re perfect and have everything they want in life 😉

I’ve always wondered, man what happened to me? It kinda feels like when God made me He was only practicing and by the time everyone else came along He was a pro. I know it’s never a good idea to compare yourself with people. But God, seriously couldn’t you make me prettier like my sisters, why couldn’t I be more eloquent, why couldn’t I have a calm and cool nature? Why do I have to be the crazy and angry hot head? I hate being me.

Moment of truth: I have an anger problem. I’ve always been angry. For some reason I view anger as this taboo thing and if you show that you’re angry then you’re not a good Christian. I have no idea where that mindset came from. I have this bad habit of taking it all in, allowing hurtful words to stew and marinate and then comes that explosive moment. Sadly I’ve lost count of how many times it’s happened. Surprised? That’s ok. I’m taking off the mask and exposing  my demons.

In my church I serve as a praise and worship leader. Basically we are responsible to usher in the presence of God in our corporate worship services. How can I effectively serve in that capacity knowing I’m not good enough to be loved by the God I sing about? I’ve mastered the art of faking it. Painting on a smile and pretending like I’m not hurting on the inside. I’ve encouraged others and can’t even encourage myself. I feel like I’m one step away from losing myself. I’m tired of it.I want to be set free.

So, today at 11:11 pm, I’m setting myself free. You’ve heard the saying, in order to heal you have to reveal. I’ve made the first step and I’m ready for the healing process to begin.

-MB

Be C.H.I.C

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4 thoughts on “Spilling the tea

  1. Not everyone have the guts to express and shared something like this. I could tell you how I find you to be in eyes but know that you are beautiful inside and out. When I moved here you had become one of the closest person to me. I pray that you find what you seek for and that God show you how we see you to be.
    Love you boo always

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